OneShot: Loser
by Shinohoshi13
Summary: What happens after being alive for six hundred years and knowing you have no heart? I have been pushed to the limit and feelings run rampant in my mind. What am I to do when a certain fire demon comes upon my attempt of suicide?


Yu Yu Hakusho © 2001 Yoshihiro Togashi/Shueisha, Fuji TV, St Pierrot. Licensed by FUNimation® Productions, Ltd. The events portrayed are not necessarily present in the original series of Yu Yu Hakusho.

_Loser_, The Better Life © 2000 3 Doors Down, Uptown/Universal®

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**Loser **

Looking at the lightning-kissed sky, I wondered what he was doing right now. Was he killing a worthless demon? Was he running away from Mukuro? Was he dodging the Reikai Tokubetsu Boetai? I knew I asked myself too many questions about him. But it was worth it, for deep in my own demon heart, I felt something for that outcast demon.

But I knew he didn't feel the same. He didn't need anyone in his life, preferring to stay alone. He had been cast from his home and left for dead. He... He was like me...

I sensed you-ki behind me and I knew he was coming towards me. I resisted the urge to kick the pebble on the ground over the edge of the cliff. He didn't need to see me when I was nervous. A rustle of fabric was the only warning I had before he landed next to me.

"What are you doing, onna?" I shivered within as his voice sent goosebumps down my arms. Thank the gods I was wearing a cloak.

"Looking out at the expanse around me, Hiei, and wondering what it would be like to..." I turned and looked at him. His crimson eyes stared at me and it seemed as if they were looking straight into my soul. "Just looking and wondering, is all." He moved to stand right next to me and once again I resisted the urge to shuffle my feet. I turned my head from him to look towards the distant sky. I could barely make out the smudge that was the Forest of Fools.

"Wondering what, onna?" I shut my eyes as his velvet voice caressed my skin. Never would he realize how much he affected me.

"What it would feel like to have the wind caressing my skin as I fall to my death, Hiei. Wondering what it would be like to know that it would take only seconds to end my life..."

_'Breathe in right away  
Nothing seems to fill this place  
I need this every time  
Take your lies, get off my case  
Some day I will find  
A love that flows through me like this  
This will fall away, this will fall away...'_

I felt rather than saw the smirk that plastered itself on Hiei's face. I open my eyes and stare sightlessly into the open sky. Lightning flashed and a tree at the base of the cliff burst into flames. What would it feel like to burn? Would that be the end? I heard Hiei shuffle behind me, but I didn't turn around. Something was bothering that little fire demon and I knew it would cost me my life to ask him.

"But why would you think that, onna?" I smiled. He used onna for every female he met - save his twin sister.

"I do have a name, Hiei. It would be nice if you used it."

"Names mean nothing to me." Hiei grunted and moved closer to me. "Now, tell me why you would think that."

"Because, Hiei. No one in this world cares for me. No one has ever held me to their body and told me how much they needed me near them." I turned around and stared at Hiei with a level gaze. His crimson orbs narrowed to mere slits as he stared right back at me.

"You're not the only one, onna. I feel the same." I smiled and turned from him again. I stepped slowly toward the edge and stopped when the tip of my black boots rested in thin air. The edge of the cliff jutted out above a river almost seven thousand feet below. The wind caressed my skin and I shoved my hands into my pants pockets.

"Yes, but I'm sure that someone loved you when you entered this miserable world. The day I entered this world I was left for dead." I turned my face downwards as tears gathered at the corners of my eyes. "I woke up one morning and found out that I was all alone in the Forest of Fools. Upon looking around, I realized that I was in a den of some sort. From that day forward I was raised by low-class demons." I shook my head and turned around to face Hiei. "I have been alone for almost six hundred years, Hiei. Do you know how hard it is to learn you don't have a heart? Even after living for so long?"

"Hn, like I would know. Your ramblings are starting to get on my nerves." I saw a tension in Hiei that I had never seen in him, even after hundreds of years of knowing him.

_'You're getting closer  
To pushing me off of life's little edge  
'Cause I'm a loser  
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead  
You're getting closer  
You're holding the rope and taking the fall  
'Cause I'm a loser, I'm a loser, yeah...'_

"What's wrong, Hiei?" His head snapped up and his crimson orbs drilled into my own black ones. "You seem tense..." Before I could blink, Hiei had his katana at my throat. He sneered and, being as close together as we were, I caught a whiff of his scent. He smelled like a mix of pine trees and a roaring fire.

"Nothing is wrong, onna. You better watch what you say around me." I blinked, unfazed by what was transpiring. The gaze Hiei was giving me had sent hundreds of thousands of demons running for their lives. It did not affect me - it only gave more fuel to the seething pit of hatred I had within my soul. I narrowed my eyes and glared at him.

"You just seem out of it today, Hiei. If you were normal, you would have killed me already. Think, Hiei," I said, even as I felt his grip on my arm loosen, "think of what it is like to be alone. I have no heart, Hiei. All I have is a bottomless pit of seething hatred and anger. And every day that anger tries to take over me. I have to constantly fight with it." Hiei backed up and I stumbled away from him. For the first time I was actually seeing Hiei without his walls up. On some deep emotional level, he was affected by what I was saying.

"You think you have it bad, think again." Hiei sheathed his katana in one, smooth motion. He ran his fingers through his hair, and this was a first. He was nervous around me. "I was cast from my home to my death. I have no heart. There is a block of ice in the cavity of my chest." I scoffed.

"At least it's better than a pit of anger. You, at least, were held to your mother's breast before you were left for dead." My voice turned harsh as I continued. "The moment I was born, I was cast from my mother's dead body. I was an unwanted child - a child that wasn't supposed to be born. I was..." At that, I turned from Hiei and walked back to the edge of the cliff.

"You were what, onna?" Hiei's voice was soft, startling me. Never before had I heard him use a soft tone. He was always mean to everyone around him, and I was no exception. But this time something was different. I felt tears forming in the corners of my black eyes.

"I was the heretical child born of where the five elements gathered. I am not a true demon, Hiei. I am a half-breed, a child of taboo. I will always be shunned for what I am." I heard Hiei take in a deep breath of air. "You were born a true demon, Hiei. I was born a half-breed." I turned around and looked at him with tear-filled eyes. I smiled slightly as I saw the confusion in his beautiful crimson orbs. "But I think it's time for the truth to come out. It's time for me to tell you the _real_ truth."

"And what truth would that be, onna?" Hiei stepped back from me. I don't know what he saw in my still form, but he wasn't going to be near me when I told him what I really felt. I looked away even as tears started to roll down my cheeks.

_'This is getting old  
I can't break these chains that I hold  
My body's growing cold  
There's nothing left of this mind or my soul  
Addiction needs a pacifier  
The buzz of this poison is taking me higher  
This will fall away, this will fall away...'_

"You don't get it, do you Hiei? You don't understand what emotion is..." Hiei growled as my words hit a tender part within his mind. "But the thing is, you could learn. I know I did after watching the one thing dearest to me pull away. The only friend I had during my life got pulled away - either by choice or against his will." I sighed heavily, even as the first tear trickled down my cheek. I needed to tell him... I needed to...

"What's your point, onna?" Hiei's voice was harsh and I knew he was angry at me. I knew I was speaking in riddles, and I didn't want him to understand that the person I was talking about was him. But I needed him to understand what I was feeling.

"My point is, Hiei, that..." My voice caught in my throat and I swallowed the lump down. "You are that person. You are the one thing that is dearest to me." I turned around and stared at Hiei. He just stood there, dumbstruck and beyond words. "I know you don't understand what emotion and affection are, but you will one day when your sister finds you." My words shocked Hiei out of his daze and he growled.

"You better be careful of what you say, onna. There is no telling what I will do." I just smiled at that. Looking into his eyes I saw something that I had never seen before. Hiei was affected by what I was saying.

_'You're getting closer  
To pushing me off of life's little edge  
'Cause I'm a loser  
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead  
You're getting closer  
You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall  
'Cause I'm a loserWell I'm a loser...'_

"I know what you will do, Hiei. You will kill me." I smiled through my tears. "One day you will realize what it's like to have the person you love not love you back. But for me, today is that day. I have revealed that I do have a heart, and yet I don't have one..." I reached one hand up and scrubbed the tears from my face. I started to laugh at how stupid I was. Here I had told one of the cruelest demons I had ever met that I had feelings for him and I knew he didn't like me back. Boy was I a total fuck-up.

"You really are a bitch, you know." My laughter abruptly stopped and I glared at Hiei. Anger radiated off my body and my you-ki started to rise around me. Realizing that I was letting that anger take over me, I tamped it down with all my might. I would not let it control me now.

"I know I am, Hiei. But that doesn't change anything. You will understand one day. You'll understand what it's like to lose the one you love." Hiei looked shocked at what I was saying. "And now it's time for me to leave... Leave for good."

"What the hell are you talking about, onna? You're not making any sense." I just smiled in response to his question. He growled and showed his fangs to me.

"This is what I'm talking about, Hiei." I drew my katana from the folds of my cloak and held it out. "I'm sure you know of this custom, Hiei. The tradition in which you give away the weapon you use to the nearest person to you. All before you take your life." Hiei reached out slowly and took the hilt of my katana. "I hope you put it to good use, Hiei. I have no use for it anymore."

"Onna..." I stepped forward until the tip of my boots touched Hiei's. "Why are you doing this?" I touched my finger to Hiei's lips and traced them. I leaned forward and captured Hiei's mouth with mine in a kiss. I pulled back from him and headed towards the edge of the cliff. I stopped just shy of the edge and stared out at the expanse below me.

"Why, Hiei? Because I love you with my very soul. And I know you don't love me back." I looked back over my shoulder at Hiei and I noticed something akin to fear in his crimson orbs. "Good-bye, Hiei. Always know that I love you." I took one step and suddenly I was falling headfirst towards the ground. I closed my eyes as I fell, not wanting to see the ground rush up towards me. I closed my eyes so I would not see my death coming for me.

_'You're getting closer  
To pushing me off of life's little edge  
'Cause I'm a loser  
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead  
You're getting closer  
You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall  
'Cause I'm a loser...'_

Hiei stared at the spot where she had just stood. He lifted his hand and hefted the katana up. He gave one look at the blade before dropping it to the ground and running to the cliff edge. His crimson orbs stared down and he saw the falling form of the girl that had just confessed her love for him. She had said that he didn't feel for her... But she was wrong. Hiei did love her.

"You're a stupid bitch!" Tears formed in the corners of his eyes as he took a step of the cliff. If he pushed himself, he could catch her before she hit the bottom. "Please, onna! Don't do this!!!" Hiei squinted his eyes as he fell, trying to suppress the tears that were threatening to fall. He saw the girl right below him. He drifted towards the cliff and pushed off with his feet, propelling himself forward. He reached out with one hand and grasped onto the edge of the girl's cloak. He drew her to him, holding her small body tightly to his chest. Drawing his katana, he shoved it into the surface of the cliff. It bent almost to the point of breaking before launching him upwards. The girl stirred in his arms and opened her eyes. Hiei looked down into her black eyes and knew that if she had died, he would have lost a part of himself.

"Why, Hiei, did you stop me? Why?!" She struggled in his grasp and tried to throw herself from his arms. Hiei held tight to her as he cleared the edge of the cliff. He landed hard on the ground, badly bruising his knees. He knelt there, chest heaving, and held tight to the one person that really mattered to him.

_'You're getting closer  
To pushing me off of life's little edge  
'Cause I'm a loser  
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead  
You're getting closer  
You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall  
'Cause I'm a loser...'_

"Because, onna. I love you, too." He sat me down and I saw two tears fall from his crimson eyes. In mid-fall, they changed into tear gems. I reached out my hand and caught the marble-sized gems in my hand. "I love you, onna." I glared at him as I tightened my hands around the hiruseki gems.

"And when did you figure that out?" Hiei crawled from me to where he had dropped my katana and retrieved it. He returned to my side and showed me the blade of it.

"When I saw what you inscribed on it, onna." On the blade was the kanji for Hiei's name. I had it inscribed 'Because of you, Hiei' on it to show my love for him. So maybe it wasn't a hopeless love after all. "When I saw it, I realized that you were telling the truth. I didn't love anyone until you came along. You showed me what it was like to love someone. You showed me what it was like to have a heart."

"You should have let me kill myself, Hiei. I don't deserve to--" My sentence was cut off as Hiei's lips descended onto mine. He crushed his against mine and his hands traveled over my body and under the edge of my cloak. In that moment I realized there was more to my life than loneliness. I had told the person I loved the truth and tried to kill myself. And now I was in the arms of the person I loved, and he loved me back. Hiei drew back and rested his forehead against mine.

"I love you, onna, with all of my soul, too." Hiei clutched me tight to him, holding me close to his body. I curled up against him and sank one hand into the fabric of his cloak. "And I don't want you to ever do that again..."

"I love you, too, Hiei. Always and forever..." He leaned down and placed a chaste kiss against my lips. I was finally with the one person I really cared for, and I would be with him forever, through thick and thin, good and bad...

_Forever..._

_'You're getting closer  
To pushing me off of life's little edge  
'Cause I'm a loser  
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead... '_


End file.
